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Backtracking almost a year precisely, but couldn’t miss a few words on the first LGS marriage, even if it was just the reception in sunny Newcastle.

My first memory of Cyrus was during the rehearsals of the First Year Show, where the little shit was prancing around like a cat trying to impress Ms Cumine by poking his ass out as much as possible. I later found out that his poking-out ass was actually a serious medical condition, but more on that later.

Portugal 1993

Anyway, whilst the untalented majority of us took less significant roles such as street sweepers and tramps, Cyrus had to make sure that him and his ass were in the limelight, a trend which unfortunately continued right until the sixth form Leavers’ Musical, where he unsettled the audience with his outrageous rendition of Grease Lightning, which gained notoriety until its 50th rendition in Tenerife with Richard “Rizzo” Whelband.

Deafening innocent Japanese students, Tokyo 2003

After an almost flawless student record in the 5 years of lower school at Loughborough, Cyrus’s embarrassment at having such an awkward ass started to bring him off the rails, with the procurement of the oldest/most un-roadworthy Ford Fiesta in Leicestershire, and a rebellious image to go with it, and the unfounded proclamation of bedding a teacher, attempted rape in the High School Common Room, and the regular smoking of crack with Redpath and Dolan in the Sixth Form car park.

Loughborough 1995 / Covent Garden 2001

Seeking to discover more about the medical explanation behind his unusually protruding ass, and to repair his reputation with a respectable vocational degree in higher education, Cyrus chose to read medicine at Newcastle. Unfortunately, after 4 years of scraping through exams, he was still no wiser about the origins of his rare condition “Spike Ass”, but settled on becoming a doctor and accumulating enough fat around his midriff to camouflage his ass with his lower abdomen, or wearing tin-foil trousers which would reflect light favorably and distract from his hideous posterior.

The Griffin & Echo’s, Loughborough 1997

Following on with his love of being behind the microphone, Cyrus was given the poisoned chalice of reading the best man’s speech at Jim’s 21st in 2000, an honour abused with numerous unnecessary references to the birthday boy’s nakedness and general debauchery at university, shocking Mr and Mrs A. who were under the misconception that their James was an (overweight) angel, and which would leave Cyrus the “Most hated best man by a best man’s family” in history.

Jim’s 21st 2000

Still searching for a cure for his painful and cumbersome “Spike Ass”, Cyrus turned to the Far East and its herbal remedies with a visit to see yours truly in Japan with his mate Chris, who soon became known as Bloos due to his resemblance to Bruce Willis, and Cyrus as “Osama” for more racial/personal reasons.

Tokyo 2002

Anyway, back to the wedding reception. The now Dr Jensen, with an unfortunate orange complexion due to the side-effects of his ass medication, fresh from his wedding on a beach in Mexico where he no doubt serenaded poor Katie with one last rendition of Grease Lightning, was host to us all in Newcastle.

Newcastle 2006

Unfortunately, I couldn’t make the stag, but apparently Cyrus, always touchy about his clothes, refused to go ahead with the embarrassing get-up that the lads had prepared for him, and went instead with his own wardrobe.

Wales 2006

Actually, in all seriousness noone’s really known Cyrus to have any other bird except Katie, so everyone was just waiting for the moment he announced the first LGS wedding. As I didn’t live with him at uni, I don’t know half the funny stories, but my favourite concerning Doctor Jensen mostly come from the now infamous first Tenerife trip of 1997. Getting caught rehearsing for Grease Lightning, strumming his air guitar infront of the toilet mirror and getting back from a night out to down a bottle of cooking oil, thinking it was apple juice to name but a few. Also, the time when he came and visited Dan, Rich and me out in Paris for possibly the most comedy night out of my life, which ended up at 4am in a 24 hour bistro, eating mussels as loudly as possible and throwing cutlery into the fish tank trying to make the lobsters race.

Paris 2000

Infact, almost every night I have out with the boy is guaranteed to leave me crying in laughter, even if it is just down to the sight of his beard/ass/bearded ass. Any other stories about Dr Jensen that won’t cost him his job, please leave in the comments, or click here to see the wedding reception gallery. Here's one of his many legendary renditions of Grease Lighting, then all of us singing together in Tenerife in 1997, but look who it is hogging the mic!!

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